These things...

I have realized tonight that there are a few things that remain constant in my life...are they part of who I am as a person?...are they part of my life experience?...are they lessons I'm not fully learning and therefore cannot release?...why do these things remain part of me?

So what are these things?

1. My family.

2. Sadness.

3. Emotional eating.

Are these things connected? Probably in some ways...everything is connected in some way or another...every person on the earth knows every other person through seven degrees of separation.

Since I was eleven I have been sad. I knew even then it wasn't "the way" things are supposed to be. I knew I wasn't supposed to feel that depth of sadness pervading my life. But I did. I do. I always have since puberty. Is it all hormonal? Who knows.

One thing I do know is that my family always has stood by me. Through thick and thin we have been thick together. My family is everything to me. They make me all the good things that I am. They taught me to love, share, play, work, sing, dance, shout for joy, cling to truth, that its better to be kind, that its better to be honest, that its better to forgive.

I know today that I am nothing without my family. I know that they are the foundation of my life. That without them my existence would crumble into utter despair and remorse.

Is that what keeps me going? My family? Perhaps in the back of my mind they are always there cheering me on. Even in my deepest, darkest moments, my moments of alone...of afraid...of discouragement...they were there. I know it all sounds too good to be true. But in my case, it is not. It is all true. They are the most loving, forgiving, generous, truth seekers I know. They are godlike to me....they hold the love of God inside of them.

The family name Gifford is Scottish, and the name means "bold with fat cheeks". I know this, thanks to our 8th grade cultural project. But I want to say my family, the Perry-Gifford family also has another meaning: holding the love of God inside them (like the sea tortoise in the torso). I would like to rewrite that as my family symbolism.

I have come to that age where it is no longer wise, prudent, appropriate or even possible to blame my parents for my hardships in life. You know that funny thing we do when we are growing up and learning what it means to be growing up. We start judging our parents, they fall off those pedestals we put them on as children, when we knew they were the experts, the tallest or the smartest, or the wisest or the prettiest.

Then later in life, when we have our own grown up problems, we realize our hands are now as tied as their hands were when they were our age. We see them in a whole new light. Its like coming full circle. The circle doesn't stop turning though, it keeps turning through to another new circle of life. It is therefore, hardly a circle, but a spiral. It is ever evolving, as we are ever evolving.

These things I think about.

Life Experience Bucket List

1. Started your own blog~Yes.
2. Slept under the stars~Yes!
3. Played in a band~Nope, but I sang in choir.
4. Visited Hawaii~Lived in Hawaii in 1999.
5. Watched a meteor shower~Nope, but I want to!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity~Nope, whenever I've donated I could afford it.
7. Been to Disneyland~Yes!
8. Climbed a mountain~No, unless you include Skinner's Butte, Spencer's Butte, and almost making it to Camp Muir on Mt. Raineer.
9. Held a praying mantis~No. But I've held ants, snakes, and a monitor!
10. Sang a solo~Yes, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
11. Bungee jumped~NO way!
12. Visited Paris~Not yet, someday!
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea~No, but that would be amazing!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch~Yes.
15. Adopted a child~No, but that might be in the cards.
16. Had food poisoning~Yes, I think I have but I can't prove it.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty~No, I've never been to New York.
18. Grown your own vegetables~Yes, in my parents' gardens.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France~Not yet.
20. Slept on an overnight train~No, never been on a train. :-(
21. Had a pillow fight~Yes! Who hasn't?
22. Hitch hiked~Yes, once in Corvallis and a few times in Hawaii. I used to pick them up too but I've quit all these foolish practices.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill~Um, duh! Who hasn't done this?
24. Built a snow fort~No, but I helped build a giant snowman in Irma's yard one January when we got snowed in as a family. That was a fantastic weekend!
25. Held a lamb~No, but that would be sweet.
26. Gone skinny dipping~Yes! And I love it!
27. Run a Marathon~No, and it would be a miracle if I ever did that.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice~Not yet!
29. Seen a total eclipse~Yes. In middle school with Myrna Hoopes at Cottage Grove Lake.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset~Yes, both, many times.
31. Hit a home run~No, but I think it would be cool to do that!
32. Been on a cruise~No, not yet. I'd LOVE to go on a cruise to Alaska.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person~Nope, but I know people who have.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors~Nope. I've not been to England or Scotland yet.
35. Seen an Amish community~Does Mennanite count? There are a few near Monmouth.
36. Taught yourself a new language~I was taking Spanish courses and dropped them. I decided immersion is a better option for me.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied~No, not exactly.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person~Not yet.
39. Gone rock climbing~I tried to get fitted in a harness once at REI and it was extremely painful. Maybe after I lose 100 pounds!
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David~Not yet. But I cannot wait to see it!
41. Sung karaoke~Yes, but only twice. The first time was in 2005 and it was horrifying. The second time was last month with Daniel. It was easy singing "From this Moment" by Shania Twain to him.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt~Nope, I've never been to Yellowstone or Yosemite.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant~No, but once Kristina and I bought a stranger groceries on the way home from a stake dance.
44. Visited Africa~No, Africa scares me although I'm taking a West African Literature class and really enjoying the reading and learning about the culture of that region. However, I still do not want to visit.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight~Yes. Its INCREDIBLY romantic.
46. Been transported in an ambulance~Yes, a few times, sadly.
47. Had your portrait painted~No, but I've had my portrait done with charcoal at the mall.
48. Gone deep sea fishing~Not yet, the charter Dad booked one summer sunk the week before we were on it within the jetty. So we haven't tried since.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person~No.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris~No.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling~No. But I would love to do it.
52. Kissed in the rain~Yes. I love that. Its romantic.
53. Played in the mud~Yes, I love playing in the mud. We used to do mud football in high school for church activities at Cottage Grove Lake.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater~Yes, my first one was Jungle Book when I was about 5.
55. Been in a movie~Nope.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China~Not yet but someday I will hike it!
57. Started a business~Yes, Mary Kay.
58. Taken a martial arts class~No.
59. Visited Russia~No, but Daniel has.
60. Served at a soup kitchen~No. I should probably do that sometime.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies~No, but I like to eat them.
62. Gone whale watching~Not yet.
63. Got flowers for no reason~No, but I think it would be a lovely surprise.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma~Yes, back in high school before I started taking anti-depressants.
65. Gone sky diving~No.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp~No, but I think I'd like to do that someday, probably Auschwitz. It would be very emotional.
67. Bounced a check~Once.
68. Flown in a helicopter~Not yet.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy~Yes! I have a homemade carebare my Mom made me for my fifth birthday and a homemade cabbage patch doll my Made made for Christmas when I was really little. I adore them!
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial~Not yet.
71. Eaten Caviar~Yes, on a cracker with cream cheese and I liked it.
72. Pieced a quilt~Yes, in church and with my grandmother.
73. Stood in Times Square~Not yet.
74. Toured the Everglades~Not yet.
75. Been fired from a job~Nope, never!
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London~Not yet.
77. Broken a bone ~Yes, unfortunately in 2004 I broke my tibia, fibula and talus in a car accident.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle~No. I'm too scared! But I've ridden on a scooter.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person~Yes. Amazing!
80. Published a book~Not yet!
81. Visited the Vatican~No.
82. Bought a brand new car~No, and I probably never will, I plan to always buy used.
83. Walked in Jerusalem~No but Ryan and Valerie have.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper~No, but I've been quoted.
85. Read the entire Bible~No, but I read the entire Book of Mormon once.
86. Visited the White House~Not yet, but I'd like to picket in front of it someday.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating~I've fished and then watched Daniel clean them for me. Lol.
88. Had chickenpox~Yes. Scott and I had it at the same time and my Dad got shingles. It was awful.
89. Saved someone’s life~Yes, once babysitting.
90. Sat on a jury~Yes, at Peer Court in high school.
91. Met someone famous~Velvet and I passed and smiled at Delroy Lindo at a Museum in SoCal.
92. Joined a book club~No but I would like to.
93. Got a tattoo~Yes, and its in good taste and well placed.
94. Had a baby~No, but I hope to someday!
95. Seen the Alamo in person~Not yet.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake~No, but I've swam in Cottage Grove Lake, Dorena Lake, Clear Lake, Diamond Lake, Waldo Lake, Redfish Lake, Swan Lake, Foys Lake, Lake McDonald, St. Mary's Lake, Lake Powell, and many rivers!
97. Been involved in a lawsuit~No but I wanted to sue the county for my car accident, long story.
98. Owned a cell phone~Yes, since 2001 I've been with T-Mobile and they have rewarded me for my loyalty with unlimited calling!
99. Been stung by a bee~Yes, but just a few times.
100. Read an entire book in one day~Yes, although I cannot remember what or when.

Why is my heart so heavy tonight? Is it all the unfinished business in my life? Relationships, projects, changes. Both good and bad. Challenging and fun too. Is it nutritionally based? Is there something harmful growing inside of me? Am I falling into madness by choice or by default? Some things we feel in life are inevitable…loneliness, sadness, emptiness, confusion, a lot of things that we’ve just got to accept are normal things we’ll have to feel and experience in life. Do I worry? Yes, I worry. I become more like my parents all the time. I worry about my baby sister’s hurts and my baby brother’s hurts. I worry about my boyfriend and his friends. I worry about my professors and their health. I worry if I’m going to get in an accident on my way to school. I worry if I’ll get food poisoning. I worry that someone will think badly of me although I often think badly of myself. So what is it that I really want to abate all of these hurts, these confusions? What do I think will give me clarity of mind? Solutions. Not drugs. Altered behaviors not judgments. Gentleness coupled with honesty. Kindness and sincerity. Generosity. Those things I give out which I hope to get back—making myself available emotionally to my friends and loved ones. Hope they can do that for me. Especially when I’m going mad inside because life keeps overwhelming me with hardball after hardball. Sometimes I'd like to just step out of the batting cage to get a breath. A little relief is in order. So yeah, I know I need therapy and friendship, and love and support and a lot of other things. Keep me in your prayers please people.

Literature

I thought it would be interesting to make a list of the books I've read which I consider fine literature. So here goes, in no particular order:

1. Charles Dickens: Oliver Twist
2. Charles Dickens: David Copperfield
3. George Eliot: The Mill on the Floss
4. J.M. Barrie: Peter Pan
5. Roald Dahl: Matilda
6. Roald Dahl: The BFG
7. Lewis Carroll: Alice in Wonderland
8. Ted Andrews: Animal-Speak
9. Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre
10. Jane Austin: Emma
11. Emily Bronte: Wuthering Heights
12. Milan Kundera: The Unbearable Lightness of Being
13. Milan Kundera: The Book of Laughter and Forgetting
    
14. W. G. Sebald: Austerlitz
15. Phyllis Rose: Parallel Lives
16. John Krakauer: Into the Wild
17. John Krakauer: Into Thin Air
18. Italo Calvino: The Non Existent Night and the Cloven Viscount
19. Italo Calvino: The Baron in the Trees
20. Thomas Carlyle: Sartor Resartus
21. Voltaire: Candide
22. Spinoza: Ethics
23. Aristotle: Nichomacean Ethics
24. Rita Golden Gelman: Tales of a Female Nomad
25. Franz Kafka: Metamorphosis
26. Arundhati Roy: The God of Small Things
27. Janet Fitch: White Oleander
28. Aron Ralston: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
29. Yann Martel: Life of Pi
30. Barry Lopez: Giving Birth to Thunder, Sleeping with his Daughter
31. Arthur Golden: Memoirs of a Geisha
32. Chuck Palahniuk: Fight Club
33. Emily Yoffe: What the Dog Did
34. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo: He's Just Not That Into You
35. Ian Kerner: Be Honest-You're Just Not That Into Him Either
36. Plato: The Republic
37. Viktor Frankl: Man's Search for Meaning
38. Elie Weissel: Night
39. Anne Frank: The Diary of Anne Frank
40. Laura Ingalls Wilder: On The Shores of Silver Lake
41. Laura Ingalls Wilder: Little House in the Big Woods
42. Mary Higgins Clark: The Hand That Rocks The Cradle
43. Mary Higgins Clark: Loves Music Loves to Dance
44. Flannery O'Connor: A Good Man is Hard to Find
45. Maya Angelou: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
46. Louise Hay: You Can Heal Your Life
47. Harper Lee: To Kill a Mockingbird
48. Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
49. J. R. Tolkien: The Hobbit
50. Henry James: Daisy Miller
51. Ralph Waldo Emerson: Essays
52. Henry David Thoreau: Walden
53. Gustave Flaubert: Madame Bovary
54. Scott O'Dell: Island of the Blue Dolphins
55. Gary Paulsen: Hatchet
56. Wilson Rawls: Summer of the Monkeys
    

25 Random things about ME!

I thought I would take Marissa's lead and post a blog about myself regarding 25 random facts. So we'll see what I can come up with!

1. I enjoy editing and proofreading paperwork, documents, writings of any kind. Its a weird hobby of mine, which has helped me immensely as a legal secretary and in writing papers in college. And like Marissa, I too, am a spelling nazi. It is a deal breaker for me when dating. Which is why Daniel has gotten as far as he has, for he can spell so well!!!! Lol.

2. I have a curious fondness for making chocolate chip cookies. Ever since I was a little girl my Mom would include me in the process by putting me up on the counter and letting me crack the eggs into her mixer or pour in the sugar or chocolate chips. She still has the same mixer she got shortly after her wedding 36 years ago. And it is still mixing cookies! It gives me great pleasure and comfort to make cookies in that mixer, and I have used it therapeutically many hard times to lift my spirits. That mixer is like an old friend.

3. The first thing I wanted "to be when I grow up" was an opera singer. Well, I'm not far off, I'm not an opera singer, but I'm dating one. He is a mighty baritone and I'm so excited to be at his side while he builds his career. The funny thing is he didn't want to be an opera singer when he grew up. He didn't think of it till much later.

4. I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was 12. Yes. Its true. When I was pretty little living in Dorena (which means before the age of 8), Dad brought me to the top of the hill on Elizabeth's pink bike which came up to my chest at the time and pushed the seat of the bike with me on it and let go as I reached the bottom half of the hill at full speed. I don't know why Dad thought this was a good way to teach me to ride a bike, but to his credit, I did not come near one again until I was 12. He has made up for this by buying me a really nice mountain bike. Which shamefully, I regret to admit I rarely ride. Ugh.

5. Unlike my sister Andrea, I do not like burnt toast.

6. I have some paranoid rituals that if you know me well, you know what they are and they probably drive you crazy. Like "do you have the keys?" before locking the doors of the car, EVERY TIME.

7. I am the only person who has ever, and I admit this proudly, been able to dispassion my mother into using a swear word. Its true, she's not a TOTAL SAINT. She called me a smart a** one time when I really deserved it. I'm pretty sure I was about 14. ;-)

8. I have nightmares when I sleep too hot or too cold. Temperature is paramount to a good night's sleep.

9. Without meaning to do so, I match and color coordinate whenever I dress--down to underclothes, outfit, socks, purse, coat, shoes, jewelry, etc. I think its totally weird myself! I cannot wear something that doesn't match even for bed, its like contrary to my nature.

10. I REALLY love Bluegrass, Jazz and Blues. I think I was a blues singer in a past life.

11. I think the funniest person in the whole world is Velvet. She can make me laugh, invariably, every single time I talk to her. She is just so dang clever, funny and sarcastic. Some of our favorite memories are her making me fall over in stitches!!

12. I was in a car accident on December 4, 2004, in which I broke my leg in two places. I had surgery the next day. It is now February 18, 2009, and I'm sad to admit I still suffer from chronic pain due to this injury.

13. I have green eyes. I was born with blue eyes, and then they turned hazel, and in the last year or two, they've turned green.

14. Speaking of eyes, I really don't like driving at night. It is physically painful for my eyes and gives me a great big headache. I've fallen asleep at the wheel a few times in the past and the bumpetty bump grids on the shoulder have saved me about four times from disaster.

15. Speaking of eyes again, my roommate had Lasik surgery and has a coupon on the fridge for $250 off for Lasik surgery. I wish I could use that coupon!

16. I am obsessed with CSI Miami. I love David Caruso and Emily Procter! Give me CSI Miami, any day, any time and I'll be happy as can be.

17. I hate talk radio! I hate football! (Although most of my loved ones like these things, and that is okay.) These were both forms of torture during my childhood! Ha!

18. During the week I get on facebook at least twice a day, but more like ten. I know, I'm a nerd.

19. I buy books and put them on my shelves, to read someday. I like used books, new books, books of any kind. Books are like people and have their own personalities. I don't like books to stare at me because I feel guilty for not reading them. So I usually take a scarf or sari and cover my bookshelf so the titles will stop staring at me.

20. I also cover my television with a scarf or sari when I am not watching it. I don't like the t.v. staring at me all the time, begging me to turn it on. It effects my feng shui.

21. When I was around four or five I had a long argument with my mother and obstinately insisted that on my hand was "fumb and thinger". I KNEW I was right and she was wrong about the spelling and pronunciation when she tried to correct me. I did not believe it until I had the same conversation with my first grade teacher, Mrs. Joyner, when I was six, and she assured me my mother was right, that on my hand is "thumb and finger"! Only then did I concede.

22. I love soccer. I only played three seasons, and after my final season at awards night my coach said I could easily have been an all-star player if I had only begun playing sooner than 11th grade. :-(

23. I love dark chocolate. I love strong coffee, expecially Americanos. I love Oregon wines. I love classical opera. I love oatmeal in the morning with raisins, dates and walnuts. I love mixed tapes (cd's) and written letters. They are an old art now yet still mean so much!!! I love studying culture, religion, philosophy, the arts, folklore, mysticism, literature and languages. I love learning new things and trying new things.

24. I'm applying to study abroad in Mexico this summer and possibly this fall too. We'll see what happens.

25. If I play my cards right, I could graduate in a year with my Bachelor of Arts in Humanities. But minors are mandatory at my school. If I live abroad I think I will go for a minor in Spanish. We'll see what I can do. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Sisters

This blog post is dedicated to my sisters: Elizabeth, Andrea and Krista.

They are my blood sisters.

I have so many other sisters. My sisters in law, Valeria and Marissa, whom I also love dearly. I have best friends who have reached sister status: Velvet, Ondra and Dawn. I have ladies I grew up with I feel are sisters to me: Ruth, Rebekah and Kristina. I have had sisters from church, from school, from circles of friends, from the medical profession, (therapists, doctors, nurses, acupuncturists), artists, (Jamie and Mara), from dreams, from books, sisters all around me. But this blog is dedicated to those three women I've spent my whole life loving, living with and laughing with. The three women, (besides my Mother and Grandmother), who have always been my best friends, loved me, accepted me, played with me (or didn't play with me), fought with me, got scared with me, and held me when I cried. Sisters. A very powerful word. A very powerful concept, one which can never be downplayed in my mind or crossed off my heart.

What does "sister" mean? A woman of my heart. Someone I hold dear to me. Women who serve each other, suffer together, encourage each other, listen, play, learn, argue, fight, accept, love unconditionally, borrow your clothes without asking, ruin your clothes they borrow, (;-P), want to be just like you, want to be your best friend, tell you how it is, help you set goals, help you remember who you are, remind you of the good times, share moments that connect your souls forever that no one else can touch. Because they were there....Wonders of my heart!

Why do I love them? Well, just a few memories to whet your pallet on the subject:

Elizabeth. Elizabeth helped me with my English and Geometry homework. Elizabeth was the oldest sister who nurtured me as a second mother. Beautiful Elizabeth was a voice of gentle authority and stable encouragement. Elizabeth was the closest thing to Mother one could get without cloning. Every time I see her she makes me cry with her tender hearted words. She has always accepted me and never judged me even when I lived contrary to her beliefs. She is the most natural mother I know. She thinks of things to say and do with her children I could never imagine on my own. She is also a nurse, her chosen profession which she practices every day of her life. She is also funny and makes me laugh when she acts silly. She never let me run away from home! ;-)

Andrea Marie. What a beautiful woman. I feel the most equal with this sister. We have suffered many of the same trials in life, such as health problems, depression, and betrayal. We have both been free spirits. We have cried together through so much pain and laughed through so many memories of the past. She is creative. She is strong. She is a mother who went back to school and suffered much for her education. Now she is in grad school and I am so proud of her as she embarks on her career!!! She always encouraged me to go back to school and told me she believed in me. (But then so did Elizabeth and Krista too!!) She holds this ONE TIME over my head that we got into a fight when we shared a room and tells it over and over like it was a daily thing. (I'm one of those people who need their own room.) Fine then! But I'll always beat you in karaoke. ;-)

Krista Ann. My baby sister. I have the most regrets with this sister. It is sad for me to admit, but blogs are all about being honest right? I was the big sister who bullied her. We had a love/hate relationship for many years and were constantly making each other cry. But she always yielded when I was stubborn and obstinate. Krista has a way of melting me. When I am determined to be angry she can melt those feelings away and bring softness into my heart with her tenderness. Much of our memories include some serious drama, but Krista would write a little note to make things right. I have many of these little notes. She always says sorry first. She always is firm with her beliefs and sticks up for herself which is why we butted heads in the past-we are too much alike! Krista wanted so much for me to be a big sister who set her a good sterling example, she always wanted to hold me on a pedestal and I didn't want her to. I hope I have shown her what it means to be a free spirit, to be a strong and independent woman who sticks to her own values. I hope she knows how much I care for her and to what depth I love her. She is my baby sister who I always want to protect. I had the honor of doing her makeup when she became prom queen!!!!! What a treat to know I had a part in that. Krista is becoming quite a woman and I enjoy watching her blossom like a beautiful pink rose.

For my sisters, Krista, Andrea and Elizabeth. I love you!

Heaviness of Heart (from January 9, 2009)

My REL 399 Special Studies: Mysticism has got me thinking. Yesterday in class Dr. Kirby asked us if we thought the spiritual life was real. Many of my classmates claimed they did not. That struck me with such sadness. For me the spiritual life is very real. Like muscles our spiritual faculties demand practice, which by nature increases our sensitivities of the spirit. Now when I talk about the spiritual realm I am not talking about religion per say, and I am not talking about hokey superstitious type stuff, although both are phenomenons included within mysticism. I am talking about a very real personal sense of the existence of God, of the belief in the afterlife, of the miracles and magic of every day life. All one has to do is experience an event which shocks them in the reality of the mortality, or experience the death of a loved one, or have an out of body experience to know what I'm talking about.

No matter how far I've resisted or fought the truth because of my anger, I know that there is a greater force in the universe which wants to provide and care for me. Do I believe that entity is a parent God? Not necessarily. Do I believe that essence to be boxed into and defined by a man made religion? Not necessarily.

In class it was brought up that these mystical or spiritual experiences are extremely subjective. Yeah? So there are. No matter. The fact that they cannot be meted and measured makes no difference to me. The relationship one has with the divine, mystical, spiritual realities is INDEED extremely personal and private. So by nature it is subjective. This fact makes it no less powerful or real.

My spirit and my spirit life are very real. And through my years I have learned that when I deny the spiritual the spiritual is harder for me to perceive or grasp. It becomes almost unreachable at times, especially when I am angry and blaming God for my unhappiness. But when I reach out and stretch my faculties beyond what are my bodily senses, beyond my intellect and with the use of my heart beyond my emotions, I do feel something there that is powerful at times and mild at times.

I am happy to be alive today. I get to be with my love, Daniel. I am also aching inside because for whatever reason I feel the passing of my grandfather Tom Perry deeply today. I am not sure I have grieved him. He is the dearest person to my heart I have "lost" yet this far in my life. He is the kindest and most generous man I have known in my mortal life. He had such love for my grandmother, and such a tenderness toward her that every woman would feel envious. I think of my mother, how she must feel losing her daddy and I wonder if she has grieved. I wonder if when you lose a parent the grieving never really ends but merely takes different forms.

And then I think of my grandmother, Naomi Perry. This is the woman whom I admire more than any other woman. She is so strong. She is so brave and virtuous. She is also sharp, witty, and funny. Has she grieved the loss of her children's father, the loss of her sweet husband, the loss of her very best friend? At Grandpa's funeral no one was sitting on her right side. There was an empty space on the bench next to her. Was that empty space meant to symbolize Grandpa's presence? I don't know. I couldn't bear the idea of her feeling an aloneness at her right side so I snuck up and sat next to her. She is my favorite person. All through the funeral she laughed a little, cried a little, but mostly she was bearing herself up. She had her left hand in her sister's, and her right hand in mine. She kept squeezing and hanging on for strength. I didn't cry during the funeral because I wanted to be strong for Grandma. In fact I couldn't cry until we got to the grave site, and the guns shot off at the military 21 gun salute, (which was actually 7). Watching the officer hand my Grandmother the carefully folded flag was another tear jerker especially after hearing over the years all the war time stories from Grandpa's perspective and from Grandma's perspective. But I still had my composure.

It was only when I watched my uncles and aunts, and cousins scoop dirt onto his grave with shovels that I really lost it. The sobs came and my face was soaked with defiant, grief stricken tears. Each of his loved posterity who were present had the opportunity to fill his grave with earth, from the homestead where he was raised, the home on Foys Lake he shared with his sweetheart and the cabin his uncle built on Swan Lake, including the soil from the gravesite in the town he grew up in. Each of us had our physical chance to say goodbye and salute him in this way. Each of us had an opportunity for some very real closure.

So the point of my story is the fact that my inability to grieve has been something that's kept me from communicating as often as I'd like with my dear Grandmother. Does it take some humility for me to admit that? Yes, it does. My defiance of grieving for my dead Grandfather, who is alive somewhere else, has kept me from actively engaging with my Grandmother, the living. :-( Not good. Not nice. I hope somehow she understands that my heart is not far from hers. Each of us grieve in our own way and in our own time. I hope I can get it together soon. I don't want to have any regrets. I love you Grandma and I love you Grandpa.

So to connect all of this I want to tell you I had a dream about my Grandfather months ago. He was there in his quiet gentle way and he said goodbye. I felt warm and safe. I felt loved. He didn't say anything but he took my hand and we shared a smile. Then he was gone. This is not the first time I've experienced a visiting spirit in my dreams. But this was the most special. Grandpa just really came and let me know everything is going to be alright. There is peace. There is a togetherness to be longed for in the future. All is well. Love endures life and death.